ZY's dad has cancer.
Truth is, I'm upset about it.
Truth is, I feel conflicted because I feel upset.
Sometimes my heart and mind really can't get along. One says this, other feels that. That internal disagreement bothers me. I am troubled.
Should I go visit him? Yes, because he is someone you love, and he was someone who treated you like his own daughter. No, because he is your ex-boyfriend's father and you shouldn't be having any more contact with his family.
Does it matter?
Why do I even bother thinking so much? I mean, after these years, does he even remember me? Am I just feeling emotional because of the past?
I almost booked an airticket to KL for the 30th Jan weekend. Then something stopped me. Recollection of my past pain and my disdain with ZY did. So, am I being petty? Am I being selfish? Am I being unloving?
Maybe I just don't want to appear like I care. I don't want to give him another chance to disapprove of my actions/decisions. I don't want to give him another chance to find me a nuisance.
Maybe because I know he wants me to be far away from his life and that's the right thing to do on my part too. Maybe because deep inside, my past disappointment reminds me how unworthy he is, and nothing about his life should deserve an ounce of my concern ever.
Yet I have tears for his father. They come from the old pauline who still love these people of the past.
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