For quite a while now, I've been struggling with some matters. Maybe I'm scared. Yeah, I think I'm scared. And while I'm rolling in my pit of insecurities, I forgot about God. Sure I pray, but you see, I forgot who God really is. I forgot my God is the one who made the heavens, the earth, every single living creature on this planet, every snowflake, every crease in the mountains. I view God through my little myopic eyes, and forgot His greatness and infinite wisdom. I have this burden, this unshakable intense feeling of needing to do something by myself to resolve all the bother inside me.
Yesterday (sunday) Pastor Yap was delivering a sermon on Zephaniah 3... and there it was.. the God who is the master builder, who holds the master plan. He who brings about thousand-year-old prophecies into reality! And true enough, the hairs on our heads are numbered. Oh, I was ashamed. What was I thinking? If God knew I had 3459871 hairs on my head, wouldn't he also know what I'm about to do? Where I'm about to go? What is about to happen to me?
He would. Wouldn't he?
And I prayed, that he would be my steps, I prayed that he would lead me, even if I'm on a detour already. I know what I want. But what I want may not be what He has in mind. It's probably a good idea to let the one who has the bigger picture take control. Don't get me wrong, knowing this and praying about it doesn't make my worries go away.
I do feel burdened.
Then Pr. M came out of nowhere and sat beside me, and asked me how I was, whether I was tired. Which I thought to myself, was quite funny, cos I was tearing a little not because I'm tired lah!! Then I told him that his contribution to "From the Pastor's Desk" (you can read here) this week was helpful to me. I told him it's probably very good for a lot of people. (I assume a lot of people feel lost at some point, and wondering/waiting/seeking God's will). Then he smiled, and he told me he had written some sort of a simple manual for people to read... in regards to thinking of whether to consider doing missions. He said this - its not difficult to tell whether a person is cut out for a certain vocation. Some people are good at computers, some people at fixing things, etc. Then he paused, and suddenly he said, "like some people are good at playing piano, you know" (he smiled and did this tinkling in the air action! he smiled to himself! not to me.). And I felt this mini jolt inside me, and I knew it was God speaking to me through Pr. M. It's a kind of realisation that hits you in your gut. It twists your heart and soul. You just know it. I nodded gratefully.
Pr. Moses probably knows I play the piano, though I don't think he'll remember that at the tip of his fingers. Actually you know what? I'm not even that sure if he knows, cos I am super low profile in church, and he doesn't really know me well), but I know for SURE he didn't have knowledge of what I do for a living, of my passion for music, or my intention to pursue it.
So there it was, that moment when I am yet again reminded that God indeed is all-knowing. He's with us 24/7, seeing our actions, reading our thoughts. I'm afraid, but I will use the intelligence that God has given me, to make the decisions, and let God take me from there. I wish for the perfect plan, but nothing is better than God's all-knowing order.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)
Lord, I pray you determine my steps, and make me a willing sheep who will listen and obey Your gentle voice.
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