Ramblings of a flugirl

I've been meaning to write in the past few days. Somehow, my mind is so easily robbed by passing thoughts and desires. To watch Criminal Minds, to listen to that youtube, to check my email, to shop online for T-shirts, to just lie down in my chair, to read the bible, to tinker on the piano. It's shocking how ill-discipline my consciousness can be!!

My perfect excuse would be, of course, the fact I've been seriously ill since last Friday. Like how R put it, it's been that long since I had been so ill. The last round was very bad though, and R drove me to the clinic at almost 11pm and day after, she even came to my place (then at Bukit Timah) to take care of me and ring my parents to pick me. I was just joking to her about how the clinic doctor was so worried about my condition (5 days of high fever 39.5degrees celsius) that she called me up everyday to see how I was. She might have been doing that to check if I was alive perhaps. That was a really messed up illness which even the ER couldn't figure me out. But high fever gives you this high feeling (delirious).. I saw patterns, pipes running at rocket speed in my mind. Is this what people get from smoking weed?

So I've been sick but recovering now. And tomorrow had to be the concert. *hack hack*

My friend Chicken insisted I watch a movie today. He was damn insistent. Bugger, he really has a way to convince me into doing the weirdest shit ever. Always. This time... a Hindi movie. 3 Idiots. I was like wtf, but anyway I watched it (reluctantly). Then hmm it was nice. (I hate to admit it outright cos that would once again prove that the Chicken is right AGAIN) .

I wouldn't generalise it or stereotype it but it had some messages which I appreciate. One was about fear. I think that's the thing that gets people down or stop people from living life more dynamically more daringly. I know that's the very thing that traps me. Already I feel terrible,
yet having fear prevents me from taking action, and in effect, makes me even more miserable.
Two was about failure. Another of my weak points. I'm afraid of failure. Honestly, I don't even know where I learnt to be afraid. Wasn't so bad when I was young.... learning how to bike, or playing for my first piano competition. So when and where did I pick up this bad habit? What do I have to lose? So what if I play wrong notes and screw up my audition? It's not going to kill me. I can still lead a meaningful life even if I can't make it into music college. I can still be happy even if I don't make 4-5k a month. If I fall, I can get up again, no?

Yet.

Yet as what R and I discussed... we need someone to remind us. We need someone who could understand our passion, our niche, to encourage us. To tell us that we can get over the rough patch. Someone to tell us to be brave and that it's ok to pedal forward on only two wheels. Someone to tell us that rough patch is only for a short while. Someone to comfort us and tell us it'll all get better. Someone who would catch us if we fall. And sadly, I told her I don't have this someone. Fact is I don't. Although I have so many musician friends, more often than not, I feel very much alone. Not even my piano teacher cares. My close friends do care (and I know that), however they cannot possible comprehend the struggles I face. And that's the truth. It's a lonely battle. Extremely lonely.

So, I'm lonely, fearful and scared of failure.

And sick.

Well, at least I know the sick part will pass. What about the rest?