I am frightened and restless

On some days, I wish it was time. End to world and all suffering. But that's just me. My own wishful thinking. Because nobody knows when God is going to do that. He's got a plan already, trust me. But He ain't telling anyone, that's for sure.

So what do we do meanwhile?

Live a righteous life by faith accompanied by good works. Be a good friend. A good neighbour. A good wife, husband. Most of all, to trust God with our lives. Am I righteous? Am I good? I don't know how good is good. I guess it'll never be good enough. Otherwise why would I need Jesus.

2.5 more days. I'm afraid. I'll be lying if I said that anything is ok. It's not. I'm afraid of the road I cannot see ahead. Imagine God is driving this car down an unfamiliar route, and I'm in the passenger seat. I have no freaking idea where the car is going, and I'm starting to seriously panic. I want to know where we're going. My need to know, my need to be in control is driving me restless. I try to wind down the window and look outside, I struggle with the seat-belt but God is just driving calmly. He ask me to seat tight and not put my arms or head outside cos it's dangerous. Trust. Perhaps at the beginning of the journey I did. But this roadtrip is a long one, then I become restless. I start to forget or even distrust the driver.

But that's a mistake. Cos God is a much better driver. He knows how to avoid the potholes and knows how to get around the obstacles ahead. He can even drive when it's complete darkness out there. He knows exactly how fast or how slow to go along each stretch.

Right now, I'm this fidgety girl in the seat. I'm terribly afraid of the unknown. Yet I know there's no way I can drive this car on my own. So it's a struggle inside - the desperate want to control where the car is going, the unquenchable thirst to know where I'm going and the immense guilt in feeling all these knowing it manifests distrust in the Perfect driver.

God, will you quieten this stubborn willful heart of mine? Will you hush me gently and assure me that you're in control?