January already?

I haven't written for a while. Apparently, preparing for a recital, hosting a pal in town, flying to the States, merrying at Christmas and restarting school took all that time away. Sure, time flew by faster than a rocket, but those were good times. Well, in retrospect, even the agonizing (and painful - physically) hours of rehearsals felt like sweet training. But ONLY in retrospect. Ok.

I'm not sure about a lot of things lately.

Maybe its the horrible and humiliating performance class I played for on Tuesday that has left my ego and confidence in total shambles. Maybe its the intense argument and discussion about God with A.Taylor that has left me stumped with more questions than answers.

Maybe its both.

Fact is, I feel like complete shit. There's no graceful manner in explaining the disgust I feel. About myself. And other stuff.

WTF am I playing like this if I'm in a fking music conservatoire? If you can't perform, then why the hell do you go to music school to study performance? And what is your problem? Can't you get your act together like everyone else?

These are the questions I can't help thinking. WTF IS MY PROBLEM?

Oh and coming Monday is the lunchtime recital. Open to public. Yay. I'll be okay. Going to do Schumann after all with Aimee. Forget about the assessment. Who cares about the panel of examiners? It's all about Schumann. It's about the woman, and the man, and their story. Love, romance, courtship, marriage, pregnancy, baby and death. Quick way to summarise a lifetime in 25mins.

Oh and I haven't been reading my bible much. No excuses. I'm just plain lazy. Bad sleeping hours and too caught up with rehearsals.

Which is why I decided not to rehearse tonight after 8pm. Come home, cook, eat, chill. And two books - the Bible and "The Inner Game of Music".

I'm still stuck on Philippians and re-read again Chapter 4 :

Rejoice in the Lord always.

Just this line. Means a great deal. This is something I could strive for, each day. No matter how dreadful life has become, even if your principal study teach has written you an awful long email about performance preparation, telling you that you are not ready to play for any visiting tutor, and that he wants you to fking prepare the entire 15mins Liszt piece by Mon. You should still rejoice in the Lord. Because God is good. He is good not only because he blesses us. He is good because he created us. He is good because He knows and understands us. He is good because He is right beside us even in shitty times. He is good because no matter what shit hits the fan, or what tsunami hits our shores, He is in control. He is good because He is merciful. He is good because He forgives us, although we rightly deserve death and nothing else.

Agree no?

Ok. Sleep by 11pm today. Pls pls. Wake up early to work hard. K thanks.