Mélancolie

Have you ever heard Francis Poulenc's Mélancolie? You should if you haven't. It's a short solo piano work, about 6mins... that's rather melancholic.. almost like you're reminiscing about good and bad times. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIsG4BO1cAE

I've had this piece on replay on my Spotify for the entire afternoon.

Am I feeling melancholic? 

Yes.

Why?

In the past month, so much have happened.  

College was extremely busy for me. I had two public recitals within one week span, and two masterclasses as well. And I was trying to learn my Albeniz Iberia, plus get started on my essay planning & writing. 

Those went quite alright actually, thank & praise God.

On the other hand, my relationship with the boyfriend suffered several beatings. It's amazing how things can change or deteriorate so quickly in a matter of weeks. It almost seems like my last breakup is happening all over again. Except this time, I really like this guy, and I am a lot calmer.

Does it hurt? Yes. I admit I have done some things wrong. And I haven't done the other things right. Sigh, what have you done? This I ask myself so often. I have tons of questions in my head these days (as always) but my heart is heavy.

Lesson learnt : 

- Be respectful

- Be patient

- Be understanding

- Be gentle

- Be happy

- Be thankful

All the above should be applied to my relationship at all times.

I hope I haven't screwed up so bad this time. If I had, I'm sorry. And I hope the boyfriend will be forgiving enough (to forgive me for all the shit I've said and all the pressure I've put on him) and hopefully he loves me enough to get over our age gap and to convince his parents about us.

But if he doesn't, I'll respect his decision. And I"m sure I'll learn to be on my own again. There is no fear. There is love. And I realise this time I really love him enough to respect his choice and I want him to be happy. I will be sad. But I trust God to watch over this whole matter. And I trust God to be healing our hearts. 

Meanwhile, some space for him and me is good.  Through this bad patch, I realised how important it is for me to take care of myself and not rely on him to make me happy or secure. 

These are just some sombre realisations and regrets I've had in the past few weeks. 

What I need to do from now onwards is to commit all my desires and worries to God, and pray that He will help me discern His will for me. I need to get my FRSM form done tomorrow, practice efficiently, discuss honestly (brutally) with my tutor on topic focus, play my best in my principal study lesson and go home to write more. Oh maybe gym too. It does wonders for my moods.

God, please remove the hurt from our hearts. Please bless my fragile and selfish heart with trust and joy so that I can be a happy child who is secure in You and a strong-willed woman to support my loved one.