It seemed like forever since I have written something to myself. Does that mean I had been very happy for the past two years and did not need to seek solace in an online diary? Or does it mean I've been just shelving all the thoughts inside my head, unwilling to face them in writing?
And why am I back now?
Truth is, I don't really know.
In fact, more often than not, I feel unsure about many matters in life. I give myself a little nice pep talk inside my mind, choose to let it go for the moment, and time has an impeccable way of diluting the problem until I no longer feel a need to act on it. Is it a show of passiveness? Maybe.
35.
I never thought of being 35.
Even when the fateful day arrived, I wasn't interested.
What does 35 bring, except the legal right to purchase public housing? But strangely, barely after a week passed since my birthday, I feel this growing sense of self-love .. this conscious decision to maintain an invisible equilibrium in my life. No one and nothing should rattle me much. And I've learnt much. Life is not that complicated if you are willing to see it from another person's perspective. If someone isn't interested, then he's not interested. If someone is going to flake on you, then he isn't worth any extra minute of consideration. Say goodbye to the ones who leave you wondering and unsure. Do you really want to be struggling? No. I deserve to be sure. I didn't say "happy" because my own happiness is my department. I can and will take care of that. But as other matters are concerned, I deserve to know and feel sure. I'm afraid I cannot accept or settle for less. It just doesn't work for me. I know it. I cannot ignore it.
So I'm walking on. My life still needs my attention and I have to be present now.
Wherever you are, I am thinking of you tonight. Yes it makes me emotional. But I'm sure this longing will transform into joy when the time is right. Meanwhile, may you fight your battles well. And think of me.
love, P
And why am I back now?
Truth is, I don't really know.
In fact, more often than not, I feel unsure about many matters in life. I give myself a little nice pep talk inside my mind, choose to let it go for the moment, and time has an impeccable way of diluting the problem until I no longer feel a need to act on it. Is it a show of passiveness? Maybe.
35.
I never thought of being 35.
Even when the fateful day arrived, I wasn't interested.
What does 35 bring, except the legal right to purchase public housing? But strangely, barely after a week passed since my birthday, I feel this growing sense of self-love .. this conscious decision to maintain an invisible equilibrium in my life. No one and nothing should rattle me much. And I've learnt much. Life is not that complicated if you are willing to see it from another person's perspective. If someone isn't interested, then he's not interested. If someone is going to flake on you, then he isn't worth any extra minute of consideration. Say goodbye to the ones who leave you wondering and unsure. Do you really want to be struggling? No. I deserve to be sure. I didn't say "happy" because my own happiness is my department. I can and will take care of that. But as other matters are concerned, I deserve to know and feel sure. I'm afraid I cannot accept or settle for less. It just doesn't work for me. I know it. I cannot ignore it.
So I'm walking on. My life still needs my attention and I have to be present now.
Wherever you are, I am thinking of you tonight. Yes it makes me emotional. But I'm sure this longing will transform into joy when the time is right. Meanwhile, may you fight your battles well. And think of me.
love, P
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