I am sad

I am sad.

I returned his stuff and our stuff to him. Everything. Our journals, photos, his gifts. I didn't mean it to be anything, and I wasn't trying to make a point of any sort. I didn't want to do it. And I can't throw it away either. All that were evidence of a wonderful relationship. I dare say all that years with him is the most honest and most generous relationship I've ever had with anyone. He was loving and supportive and I respected him. And I would be a real liar if I said I don't care about the things, about the past or about now. I loved him. He was wonderful, kind and funny. I loved what we wrote to one another. I loved how we encouraged one another, rebuke and learn from each other. I loved how he picked the presents for me. And I'm filled with regret for not treasuring all that. I'm filled with regret for not being respectful, for not being understanding and for being selfish. I'm filled with regret for not obeying God.

And I feel sad to give it all away. I'm scared of having to keep it, but I'm also afraid of throwing it away. Now I will not longer be able to look at them, and perhaps, those good memories would fade away. Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Why am I upset?

I wish I could tell him honestly how I felt. I wish I could tell him that if I could do it all over again, I would do many things differently. So many things. I wish I could tell him how I felt when JL told me about his spiritual life, how my heart was really filled with joy..how emotional I felt. How I wish I could tell him that I still care, that I feel so comfortable having dinner with him, that I hope to see him do well in his career, his life. How I wish I could tell him that sometimes I still miss him but I would be happy if he found someone to love him better that I did.

Then my mind tells me that I'm being foolish. That I should abandon such thoughts and not dwell on the past. It's been so long, why do you still feel like these? I pray for strength. I'm doing good, and God has been so good to me since then. He's doing good too, isn't he? We should be all happy and contented. Why have such feelings and thoughts?

Lord, your will unto us.