20 seconds

It is now 1am in the morning.
Ten minutes ago while I was typing away, there was this sudden 20 seconds where I wanted so badly to read the card, to email and ask him how he is right now, to sms a hello.. or just simply anything. I missed him. It was frightening. Like a soldier at war dozing off. Felt like a brief moment of sheer negligence. Horrible. Unbearable. Unacceptable. But as usual, I catch myself in the midst of falling, and learnt somehow to stop myself from acting on any of those ideas. Adrenaline rush. A quick breath. A heavy sigh of relief. Then I'm on safe ground again, where my heart is shut from all the noise outside. Still, I long for the day I trust my own heart enough to tell him that I'm completely okay. To be able to smile and say "I missed you".